The Talk
by grisabele
Summary: And now, for your reading pleasure...Kain discusses this important thing with his two eldest. Chaos ensues.
1. Default Chapter

**The Talk**

  
  
A/N:Well, somebody had to do it! Partially inspired by a Dragonlance fic.  
  
Kain: _(seated at the head of a round table, around which are seated Rahab, Dumah, Zephon, and Melchiah)_ Boys, there's something I need to talk to you about. *clears throat*  
  
Dumah: Whatever it is, blame it on Zephon. It's all _HIS_ fault!!  
  
Zephon: Hey!!  
  
Rahab: *rolls eyes and goes back to translating Greek to Latin to French to English*  
  
Kain: You boys remember what I talked to Raziel and Turel about last century?  
  
Rahab: Are you sure we need to hear this, Father?  
  
Kain: ...Yeah! You gotta know where little humans come from...  
  
Dumah: ...I know this one! Forty-two!!  
  
_(Dumah gets stared at)_  
  
Dumah: Or not...  
  
Melchiah: *covers ears* I do _**NOT**_ need to hear this!!  
  
Kain: ...Hm. Maybe you're right..maybe you _are_ too young, Melchiah..Zephon, take him out!  
  
Zephon: What? Why me?  
  
Kain: You're too young, too.  
  
Zephon: *throws Melchiah out a window and walks out the door, muttering darkly*  
  
Kain: And don't you dare slam that--*door slams*...door.  
  
Rahab: Once again, I ask, are you sure we need to know?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, I mean, Raziel already told us _**EVERYTHING**_!  
  
Kain: ...*makes mental note: Toss Raziel in the Abyss. Am getting annoyed with him and his wings already anyways.*  
  
Rahab: ...Dad? Are you okay...?  
  
Kain: Yeah, I'm fine. Just making a mental note.  
  
Rahab: Oh.  
  
Kain: Now, when two people, human or otherwise, love each other...  
  
Dumah: Do they have to love each other? *shudder*  
  
Rahab: *rolls eyes and resumes his translations*  
  
Kain: Well...not always, but it helps...  
  
Dumah: ...Oh. I didn't know that...  
  
Rahab: Why don't we make the safe assumption that you don't know _**anything**_, Dumah? *smirk*  
  
Kain: ..anyways...  
  
Dumah: So how do humans...?  
  
Kain: *looks annoyed* The same way we do, I imagine...  
  
Dumah: You mean you imagine doing stuff like that with us? That is _SICK_!  
  
Rahab: *sigh* I'm going to my Abbey now...  
  
Kain: SIT DOWN, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL I FINISH THIS LECTURE!!  
  
Rahab: ...damn.  
  
Dumah: What happens if you don't like women?  
  
Kain: Then you do it with a man, not a human.  
  
Dumah: But--  
  
Kain: I don't want you boys picking up my bad habits. Now shut up and let me finish my lecture.  
  
Rahab: Can't we just leave and say you lectured us?  
  
Kain: NO! *slams fist on table*  
  
Dumah: ...Don't hurt me, Daddy..  
  
Rahab: Dumah is older than me...but has the I.Q. of a two-year-old. That is sad.  
  
Dumah: I'm gonna kill you, Rahab.  
  
Rahab: Go for it. *holds up book* I'm armed.  
  
Dumah: Me too! *draws sword*  
  
Kain: Well...*draws Soul Reaver* LET'S HOW WELL YOU BOTH DEAL WITH THIS!!  
  
Dumah ...meep! *puts sword away*  
  
Rahab: Forgive me, Father, I lost my temper.  
  
Kain: Next time you piss me off, you're toast. *puts the Reaver away*  
  
Rahab: Understood.  
  
Dumah: ....  
  
Kain: Now then...*goes on to explain...uh, you know.* Any more questions?  
  
Rahab: ...That was waaay too much detail there, Father...I didn't need to know all that..  
  
Kain: ....Questions, not comments.  
  
Dumah: I will never look at humans the same way again... 


	2. The Talk Janos and Vorador

**The Talk- Janos and Vorador**

  
  
Janos: As I was saying....  
  
Vorador: Dad, I already know!!  
  
Janos: See, when two people love one another...  
  
Vorador: Dad, I already know!  
  
Janos: They...  
  
Vorador: DAD, I ALREADY KNOW!!  
  
Janos: ...No need to shout.  
  
Vorador: You told me last week, remember?  
  
Janos: ...Are you sure? Anyways, when two people love one another...  
  
Vorador: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!  
  
Janos: Let me finish! They....  
  
Vorador: I ALREADY KNOOOOOOOOOOW!!!  
  
Janos: Get married.  
  
Vorador: Oh. I thought you were talking about...um, something else.  
  
Janos: Such as?  
  
Vorador: Where little vampires come from.  
  
Janos: Wait...I didn't tell you how that happened...HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW!! HAVE YOU BEEN READING DIRTY MAGAZINES!? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU--  
  
Vorador: Didn't you tell me something about a Stork? When I was like, 200?  
  
Janos: Oh, yeah. For a second I thought...uh, never mind..  
  
Vorador: Can I go home now? I'm an adult vampire, I'm perfectly capable of...  
  
Janos: You wanna play bridge?  
  
Vorador: ....Can I go home?  
  
Janos: Have I told you where little vampires _really_ come from?  
  
Vorador: ...My God.  
  
Janos: Ya see...*goes on to explain...you know, THAT, stuttering frequently and needing to clear his throat more frequently than that.*  
  
Vorador: ....I told you I already knew THAT...  
  
Janos: ...You did?  
  
Vorador: Yeah, remember when I went out with that one chick and we kinda spent the weekend together and...*sees the look on Janos's face and RUNS*  
  
Janos: COME BACK HERE! YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!! 


	3. The TalkPart 3!

**The Talk...part 3!**

  
  
Sarafan Lord: *Looks around* Are we all here?  
  
Faustus: Yeah...except for Magnus...  
  
Sarafan Lord: Well, he tried to kill me, so he doesn't get to join our elite legions...  
  
Sebastian: OF LOSERS! *falls out of seat laughing*  
  
Sarafan Lord: Has he taken his medication today?  
  
Faustus: Good question.  
  
Marcus: Why are we here?  
  
Sarafan Lord: There's something I need to discuss with you. We're going to have...*ominous voice* THE TALK!  
  
*All gasp, except for Sebastian, who is still laughing his ass off on the floor*  
  
Marcus: *raises hand, and says in a whiny-sounding New York accent:* Can I go to the bathroom?  
  
*all gasp, including Sebastian*  
  
Sarafan Lord: The bathroom? _THE BATHROOM?_ Here I am, ready to give you boys the most important lecture of your lives, and you want to go to _THE BATHROOM!?_  
  
Marcus: Well, it's kind of an emergency...  
  
Sebastian: Pah! you just want to skip this lecture because you can't get any anyways, _LOSER!_ *resumes rolling on the floor laughing*  
  
Faustus: Well...maybe he does really have to go to the bathroom...  
  
Sebastian: You're a loser, too! HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Tell you what, Marcus, I'll let you go to the bathroom if you promise to bring Sebastian's medication with you on your way back.  
  
Marcus: Okay! *dashes off faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfully than a locomotive...I'll stop there...*  
  
Sarafan Lord: Now, while we're waiting, do any of you boys have girlfriends?  
  
*Crickets chirp*  
  
Sarafan Lord: What about boyfriends? You boys have boyfriends?  
  
Faustus: Eeew...  
  
Sebastian: What a stupid question! AHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Sarafan Lord: *thinking: Hurry up with that medication, Marcus!*  
  
*Five hours later, with no sign of Marcus and Sebastian's medication, Sebastian is skipping around the room singing songs from "Jack the Ripper: The Musical!"*  
  
Sarafan Lord: WHERE IS HE!? I AM GOING TO GO INSANE IF I SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE IN THIS ROOM!  
  
Sebastian: Jack the Ripper stole a kipper, hid it in his father's slipper!  
  
Faustus: Maybe he's constipated?  
  
Sarafan Lord: God, I hope not...  
  
Sebastian: Ra, ra, hip hooray! Maybe he'll kill another day!! Sing it with me, Fausty!  
  
Faustus: God save us...  
  
*suddenly Marcus bursts through the door*  
  
Sarafan Lord: WHAT KEPT YOU, YOU COWARDLY LITTLE--*long list of obscenities*  
  
Marcus: Uh...I was kinda...you know...*goes on to explain in graphic detail*  
  
Faustus: That's sick, dude...  
  
Sarafan Lord: Quick, give Sebastian his medication!  
  
Sebastian: NO PILLS! ME NO WANT MEDICATION! *hides behind Faustus, who grabs the medicine bottle from Marcus, opens it, and shoves two purple pills down Sebastian's throat*  
  
*Sebastian immediately calms down and sits down.* Faustus: There! Now we can have this talk in peace!  
  
Sarafan Lord: All right! *goes on to explain...well, why don't you take a wild guess? and doesn't pause, stutter, choke, or otherwise*  
  
Faustus: Wow...so THAT'S where all those annoying little humans come from...  
  
Marcus: I should've STAYED in the bathroom...  
  
Sebastian: *suddenly hyper again* Gross! Grossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossssssss!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Don't you start that crap again! *hits Sebastian upside the head, knocking him unconscious.*  
  
Faustus and Marcus: Thank you! 


	4. The Talk: Part 4

**The Talk: Part 4**

  
  
A/N: Been a while since I last updated this one, ne? Well...haven't you wondered what Kain told Raziel and Turel? Read on if you dare!  
  
*Raziel is happily flying in circles around the room with his brand new wings. Turel is seated at the table, looking annoyed. Kain is also seated at the table, looking absolutely livid.*  
  
Raziel: *swoops over table* ZOOM! Tee-hee!  
  
Kain: Raziel! _GET DOWN HERE!_  
  
Raziel: Aw, Kain, I just got these...  
  
Kain: Well, you can fly around all you want later. There's something I want to talk to you boys about...  
  
Turel: *points at Raziel* He did it this time, I swear!  
  
Raziel: No, _YOU_ most definitely slipped the arsenic in Zephon's drink last night!  
  
Turel: Nuh-uh! You're just trying to get me in trouble!  
  
Raziel: I am not....you..._POISONER._  
  
Turel: Oh, shut up. It was your idea to put arsenic in Zephon's drink anyways.  
  
\ Kain: Listen, I don't care who tried to poison that little sneaky...  
  
Raziel: Kain!  
  
Kain: Get down here, Raziel. _NOW._  
  
Raziel: Aw, fine. *He swoops down and sits in a stool.*  
  
Kain: Now, then, boys, I think it's time you learned where humans come from.  
  
Turel: You mean they come from somewhere?  
  
Kain: Well, yes! They don't just spontaneously generate, you know.  
  
Raziel: They _don't!?_  
  
Kain: Nope.  
  
Turel: Then how...?  
  
Raziel: The past centuries of my unlife have been a _LIE!_ *He cries out in utter anguish*  
  
Kain: Raziel...be quiet.  
  
Raziel: Fine.  
  
Turel: So, uh, where _do_ humans come from, Kain?  
  
Kain: If you boys would shut up and pay attention, I'd tell you.  
  
Raziel: *stares at Kain* Right. I'm focused. Explain away.  
  
Kain: All right. You boys have concubines, right?  
  
Raziel: Having concubines makes humans appear?  
  
Turel: SWEET! I'll go get a few more!  
  
Kain: No, you idiots! Having concubines does not cause humans to be born!  
  
Raziel: So what does?  
  
Kain: The things you do with your concubines!  
  
Turel: Woah....  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Turel: Woah...  
  
Kain: Yes, Turel?  
  
Turel: Woah...  
  
Kain: _WHAT!?_  
  
Turel: I had no idea that playing checkers caused the birth of a human...  
  
Kain: No! That's not what causes it!  
  
Raziel: So, when two humans play a game of checkers, at the same time, against each other, a human is born? That's deep.  
  
Kain: **_YOU IDIOTS! PLAYING CHECKERS DOES NOT RESULT IN PREGNANCY!_**  
  
Turel: ....It doesn't?  
  
Raziel: So what does?  
  
Kain: *sighs* You two are hopeless. Utterly and completely hopeless.  
  
Turel: So, are you going to tell us?  
  
Kain: Yes! I just need time to figure out how to explain it in words small enough for you to understand! All right, I think I can do this now. *He goes on to explain that thing other than playing checkers that causes pregnancy.*  
  
Turel: Woah...  
  
Kain: Don't start. 


End file.
